Practicalati

My Why

On October 15, 2016, God gave me a dream. This had been the tune recently – a dream or a premonition ☺ to wake and pray, to hear from God. 99% of the time I was too tired and wouldn’t rise to even pick up my phone – the easiest way to open the Word in the dark.

But God is good. This day, in my dream I, along with some friends, observed someone living what I would call a fulfilled passion, with lots of people congregating to hear that passion, and I was running around with my children, trying to figure out childcare plans for the afternoon. That frustrated me because I desire greatness – not necessarily a large crowd, but the ability to impact lives. The ability to do my own thing but in doing that, impact lives for the better. When God shows you someone else in a spot you should be in and he has repeated that multiple times in different forms, you realize he’s talking to you.

On October 8, I got a phone call from a frantic aunt with whom I seldom talk, informing me that my mom who was on an international flight had a crisis on her flight and was foaming from the mouth on the plane. This is news a family friend received via wi-fi based messages between a husband on the plane and his wife on ground at the destination. Of course, at that time, no one knew as much detail as I now describe, but we knew there was a message from the flight, and that my mom was in the care of doctors on the plane. That frustrated me – not only the difficulty surrounding coordinating such an occurrence internationally, but the fact I heared from a third party (why would the airline notify a third party), and the fact this was not the plan. I had asked mom if the trip would be good for her health. At 64, she flew way too much for her age and health. She wasn’t at a place I would have liked. I prayed for a miracle but that morning was also ready for anything. Thanks be to God, he calmed the storm.

Nevertheless, God also spoke through this situation. Early in 2016 and frequently through the year, I had a concern my death was imminent. Sometimes I rejected it furiously thinking about bible characters who asked God to move their death date, other times I denied it, supposing the enemy was at play. But I always remembered that God trumps the enemy – God would not allow death just because the enemy wants it. All the time, I considered my children – for them this would not happen. My spirit rejected having my life cut short.

Over time I realized that truly, the message was for me to live out my calling. If I didn’t live my destiny, then why should God keep me alive? I am not here to pursue my children. I am not here to pursue my dream home or lifestyle. I am not here to pursue an income. I am not here to pursue career success, but I am here to pursue God and live out his destiny for my life.

At 3am on October 15, I silently blamed my husband and my children. While initially questioning the circumstances, the excuses came, mostly having to do with my current commitments on the home front. Bollocks. Yes, life is busy. Yes I choose not be the mother who is working at 500% to be an entrepreneur (or executive), super mom, and super wife. Yes I took a 12% pay reduction for an easier lifestyle. Yes, while I often focused on how much more I could be doing or earning, those excuses were nonsensical.

I thought back to an aunt who warned me right after college, that the life I was choosing to take and the people I was choosing to surround myself with, would lead me to fail. They were not good for me. If I didn’t live my destiny, then her words would prove true.

So I started to ask God what my life’s passion would be. I quickly realized that the only things that have truly inspired me were things I rejected way before I got married. I have a passion for people, for service, for missions, for giving. However, early on, I succumbed to the pressure that money isn’t earned by giving all my skills and abilities to those who cannot repay me. I chose many times not to do the peace corps, but to work. I chose not to follow a non-profit career because my 12% pay reduction would be closer to 100%. I replaced my side hustle with one that would earn money faster. I challenged myself at work and quit to pursue growth. Early on, I postponed a life of giving full-time, with a desire to retire early and then give. I was so concerned with what a life of giving would do to my success.

I needed to return to giving. Material things I like, but naturally, they don’t phase me much. In the prior night’s dream, I missed my bible reading assignment at a family event because I had shoe issues – I had naturally taken off my shoes as I would rather walk barefoot, when I heard my name – I was being called to the front, but didn’t have my shoes on, couldn’t find them, and frantically searched for any shoe (sometimes mismatched shoes). Eventually, someone else guided the crowd to read together in order to proceed with the program. So yes, I am concerned about people’s view of my success and my outward presentation. However, what matters more deeply to us all is our life’s calling. It matters that we are true to ourselves. I eventually walked out barefoot.

The message for me tonight is to live that calling. To serve and pour out my gifting. God will multiply that. So I will begin and see where he takes it.